so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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