if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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