How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
