Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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