wrigley field is MILF paradise
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
