I murdered the dance floor call the cops
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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