True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
