he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
