I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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