Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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