I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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