If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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