Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Drunk is not a location!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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