You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
