then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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