There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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