i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize