i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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