My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and she was petting her beer can
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
