if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
