Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
