You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
