They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
