True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
