What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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