i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
