i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
