I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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