I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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