If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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