Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
