you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
