yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
where are you?
Hypothermia
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
