I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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