I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I have fence marks all over my body
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
