I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
