Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
