What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
