My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
