he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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