We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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