No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
