I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
