he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
