Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
