Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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