I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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