Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
