Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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