I'd wear matching sweaters with you
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
