I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize