i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
