She went from zero to smokin in five shots
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize