Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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