I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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