If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
