I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
40s are totally the cure
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just gargled with NyQuil
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
