I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just cropdusted the office
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
